"Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting Me? (Acts 26:14)
What? ME? Persecute Jesus? I would never persecute my Lord!
That is what my heart wants to scream. And yet I am guilty of just that . . . persecuting my Lord and Savior. And it grieves me to consider the number of times that I have. Today, while reading My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers, great conviction came upon me as the reality of persecuting Jesus settled deeply within me. God used Chambers, in today's devotional, to bring this conviction upon me with just two words: Stubbornness and Self-will.
No matter how hard I try to deny it, it is my own stubbornness and self-will that are the tools I use to persecute Jesus. They are a sword in His side, and they wound the very Spirit He sent to me to help me overcome these sins. My stubbornness and self-will is what causes me to do my own thing, my own way, and as I see fit. Chambers argues that this attitude flows from a inner desire for self-respect, and I think that the respect of others could also be at the root of the sin. When I walk according to this sinful desire, I dethrone Jesus from His rightful place in my life, and I set myself squarely upon it. Whether I like it or not, this is persecution of the One who saved my soul.
Why is it so much easier to see this kind of persecution of Jesus in Saul than it is to see in myself? His seems so blatant; mine, much more nebulous. But there is no difference between him and me. No difference at all.
And here is another layer to the problem of my stubbornness and self-will. I am a teacher of the Word. I espouse its wisdom to you, while at the same time betraying the things I teach. Ultimately, that means I betray the Living Word - Jesus - by not following through myself in the things I teach others. This reveals that I am not as closely connected to Jesus as I would love everyone else to be. In the end, that is nothing but hypocrisy.
So, here I am. I am standing on my own road to Damascus, and Jesus says the same thing to me, now. Why are you persecuting Me, My precious child? I have no answer. Just a heart that feels crushed by the weight of my sin.
PRAYER
Lord, forgive my sin. Pull me to my feet, that I might stand again, go forward in ministry, and experience a renewed spirit. May the wounds with which I have afflicted You be healed as I humble myself before you. In my humility come to me and transform my stubbornness into a pliable follower. Come and replace my self-will with submission to Your every desire for me. I surrender to You.
That hurts... It hurts because its true. I am also guilty of going through the day exactly as I please. Making my on decisions, doing my own thing, living my life. I tend to forget the one who gave up his life for me. Or maybe I remember as I see fit. I have never thought of it as persecution, but I can clearly see that it absolutely is.
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